The other day, I read an article about how Taylor Swift transformed herself from being one of the most hated celebrities to one of the most loved. It's not really worth linking here, but the basic gist I got out of it was that a large part of her success was due to a change in narrative. She used to write songs where "other women" were the enemy, stealing boyfriends and whatnot. But now, both her songs and her personal life suggest that women can be friends.
It's pretty simple logic, actually. If you are alienating your fan base because they are, by definition, "other women," then they probably won't connect to you (despite them connecting to your songs and thus giving you lots of money). But if you act like women are your friends, then we're all friends with Taylor Swift, which makes us feel great!
It made me think of two friends of mine.
Friend 1 had some incredibly negative experiences with girls early on which have haunted her ever since. Growing up was one long string of being deliberately not invited to parties, being teased by the people she wanted most to be her friends, and struggling to relate to the girls her age. She had different interests than most everyone around her, and it was hard to find girls who cared about the same things. In college she would write journal entries about how terribly lonely she was, and how she wished she were part of a cohesive group of friends. Now that she is grown, she feels like she stumbles her way through many social interactions and sometimes leaves activities feeling frustrated and awkward. She often finds herself sitting by herself in Relief Society, not knowing what to do about it.
And then there's Friend 2. Friend 2 is fun. She has always had tons of friends including some lifelong close friends. Ever since she was young, she's loved going to and throwing parties, and she always wishes she could invite more people (the main thing that holds her back is lack of space). She loves hanging out with other women in the neighborhood common areas, at book groups, girls nights, and Relief Society activities, and she usually has an easy time finding common ground with others there. In college she became close friends with many people, and those friendships have lasted for years. Wherever she's lived she's found friends that she can typically count on to hang out with. She loves getting to sit by new people in Relief Society and is always amazed by what other women have to say there.
Given the level of detail about both of these friends, it shouldn't come as a huge surprise that they both describe me. Sometimes I have felt like both Friend 1 and Friend 2 within the same hour.
But let's be honest . . . who sounds like a happier person, and one you'd rather hang out with? Although a sense of pity might win me over to Friend 1, I would rather be with Friend 2.
Friend 1 might be incredibly empathetic, thoughtful, compassionate, and loyal (she probably writes better music, too), but I'd feel defensive if someone defined herself like that. "Wait. You don't connect well with women? Women have been unkind to you? Am I going to have a hard time connecting to you? Am I going to be someone who is unkind to you? I don't want to put either of us through that!!!"
Still, it is tempting to define oneself as Friend 1. We all want to be interesting, and unhappy people are more interesting than happy people. We don't want to be shallow or unsympathetic, so it might be tempting to reach down and find some pain we've been carrying around to have some contribute to the pot.
But that's not really what people want or need. For the sake of others, we need to be positive. For our own sakes, we desperately need to see ourselves as happy, friendly people. This doesn't mean we should gloss over our problems, but we can't define ourselves that way. Especially when we define ourselves out of close friendships that we so desperately need.
As Bonnie Oscarson said,
And it's worth it. It's worth it to have to constantly forgive ourselves and others for shortcomings in order to be close to them. It's worth it to cast off superiority or inferiority complexes, to assume that people like you, to brush off the slights you receive, whether intentional or unintentional. All of these hard, hard things are worth it when they result in a real connection to another human being.
So, if January has got you feeling down and lonely and Friend 1-ish, take the advice of Taylor and . .
(You know I'm going to say shake it off. I don't know what else to say.)
Shake it off!
It's pretty simple logic, actually. If you are alienating your fan base because they are, by definition, "other women," then they probably won't connect to you (despite them connecting to your songs and thus giving you lots of money). But if you act like women are your friends, then we're all friends with Taylor Swift, which makes us feel great!
It made me think of two friends of mine.
Friend 1 had some incredibly negative experiences with girls early on which have haunted her ever since. Growing up was one long string of being deliberately not invited to parties, being teased by the people she wanted most to be her friends, and struggling to relate to the girls her age. She had different interests than most everyone around her, and it was hard to find girls who cared about the same things. In college she would write journal entries about how terribly lonely she was, and how she wished she were part of a cohesive group of friends. Now that she is grown, she feels like she stumbles her way through many social interactions and sometimes leaves activities feeling frustrated and awkward. She often finds herself sitting by herself in Relief Society, not knowing what to do about it.
And then there's Friend 2. Friend 2 is fun. She has always had tons of friends including some lifelong close friends. Ever since she was young, she's loved going to and throwing parties, and she always wishes she could invite more people (the main thing that holds her back is lack of space). She loves hanging out with other women in the neighborhood common areas, at book groups, girls nights, and Relief Society activities, and she usually has an easy time finding common ground with others there. In college she became close friends with many people, and those friendships have lasted for years. Wherever she's lived she's found friends that she can typically count on to hang out with. She loves getting to sit by new people in Relief Society and is always amazed by what other women have to say there.
Given the level of detail about both of these friends, it shouldn't come as a huge surprise that they both describe me. Sometimes I have felt like both Friend 1 and Friend 2 within the same hour.
But let's be honest . . . who sounds like a happier person, and one you'd rather hang out with? Although a sense of pity might win me over to Friend 1, I would rather be with Friend 2.
Friend 1 might be incredibly empathetic, thoughtful, compassionate, and loyal (she probably writes better music, too), but I'd feel defensive if someone defined herself like that. "Wait. You don't connect well with women? Women have been unkind to you? Am I going to have a hard time connecting to you? Am I going to be someone who is unkind to you? I don't want to put either of us through that!!!"
Still, it is tempting to define oneself as Friend 1. We all want to be interesting, and unhappy people are more interesting than happy people. We don't want to be shallow or unsympathetic, so it might be tempting to reach down and find some pain we've been carrying around to have some contribute to the pot.
But that's not really what people want or need. For the sake of others, we need to be positive. For our own sakes, we desperately need to see ourselves as happy, friendly people. This doesn't mean we should gloss over our problems, but we can't define ourselves that way. Especially when we define ourselves out of close friendships that we so desperately need.
As Bonnie Oscarson said,
"We just need to relax and rejoice in our divine differences . . . The fact of the matter is, we really and truly need each other. Women naturally seek friendship, support, and companionship. We have so much to learn from one another, and we often let self-imposed barriers keep us from enjoying associations which could be among the greatest blessings in our lives . . . If there are barriers, it is because we ourselves have created them. We must stop concentrating on our differences and look for what we have in common; then we can begin to realize our greatest potential and achieve the greatest good in this world."
And it's worth it. It's worth it to have to constantly forgive ourselves and others for shortcomings in order to be close to them. It's worth it to cast off superiority or inferiority complexes, to assume that people like you, to brush off the slights you receive, whether intentional or unintentional. All of these hard, hard things are worth it when they result in a real connection to another human being.
So, if January has got you feeling down and lonely and Friend 1-ish, take the advice of Taylor and . .
(You know I'm going to say shake it off. I don't know what else to say.)
Shake it off!
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