Today I was thinking about bananas. Like, why are they the way they are? So great and so . . . not great. I think maybe there was a scene in the premortal existence like this:
Angel 1: *in test kitchen* Okay, we've almost got all the toddler-friendly snacks designed. I think we need just one more healthy snack that's not pretend healthy like veggie straws. Any ideas?
Angel 2: I've invented bananas.
Angel 1: Sounds intriguing. Tell me more.
Angel 2: So they're a fruit --
Angel 1: Excellent.
Angel 2: They're very sweet, and very nutritious.
Angel 1: Great!
Angel 2: You can buy them before they're ready, and then they will ripen. If you ripen them too much, you can just freeze them and use them in quick breads or smoothies. They are easy to transport -- you don't have to refrigerate them, and the fruit is protected by a skin that's very easy to peel. And there are no seeds to spit out.
Angel 1: You've improved a lot since you invented periods. What could be better for a toddler than a sweet, monochromatic fruit?
Angel 2: Well, I thought they still needed some other features, so I added a few.
Angel 1: Um.
Angel 2: See, we want to hone a toddler's eye for detail, and bananas give ample opportunities for that.
Angel 1: Don't we want them to have fewer opportunities for them to get tripped up by details? I would think hungry toddlers don't need anything to stand between them and filling their tummies.
Angel 2: But the brown spots are so aesthetically pleasing.
Angel 1: Are those brown spots made of chocolate?
Angel 2: Some parents might say they are in moments of desperation.
Angel 1: Come on, Lucifer, you're encouraging people to lie to their children?
Angel 2: Not all of them have brown spots.
Angel 1: Oh good.
Angel 2: But they all have black tips.
Angel 1: Seriously?
Angel 2: There are also strings.
Angel 1: Do they come off easily?
Angel 2: Of course! They're just there to enhance the experience. Can you imagine a toddler sitting there watching his parent gently pulling those strings off, grinning in anticipation at what is about to come?
Angel 1: It seems like a recipe for disaster. But it could be worse. You said it was easy to peel, right?
Angel 2: Generally yes. And best of all, when the peel is being pulled off, I've figured out a way to make the banana break. Kids are short, so I figured they'd like it when their food got shorter too.
Angel 1: It doesn't sound like you really want them to eat these bananas after all.
Angel 2: They're low calorie. Their parents can eat them too.
Angel 1: How do adults like them?
Angel 2: So far, test subjects have had mixed results. Most didn't describe eating it as a particularly pleasurable experience. Some described it as eating a soft brick. Others received bananas that reminded them of slimy mashed potatoes.
Angel 1: But at least you said they were sweet. That ought to count for something.
Angel 2: Sweet enough, sure, if they're ripe. Sweet but not tasty. I've engineered it so that the tasty varieties will go practically extinct right about the time fruit snacks are invented.
Angel 1: So do you want people to like bananas or not? Are we sure we want to put this into production?
*VOICE FROM INTERCOM* Creation begins in 10 seconds. Please save and close all your drafts now.
Angel 2: Welp, I guess it's as good as it's going to get.
And that is the story of why lunch time was sad today.
Thanks to Leslie Moon, Ally Dunn, Daniel Larsen, and Kathryn Blair for their contributions to this post. And thanks to Bunmi Laditan for the idea of angels discussing ways to afflict and torment man.
Angel 1: *in test kitchen* Okay, we've almost got all the toddler-friendly snacks designed. I think we need just one more healthy snack that's not pretend healthy like veggie straws. Any ideas?
Angel 2: I've invented bananas.
Angel 1: Sounds intriguing. Tell me more.
Angel 2: So they're a fruit --
Angel 1: Excellent.
Angel 2: They're very sweet, and very nutritious.
Angel 1: Great!
Angel 2: You can buy them before they're ready, and then they will ripen. If you ripen them too much, you can just freeze them and use them in quick breads or smoothies. They are easy to transport -- you don't have to refrigerate them, and the fruit is protected by a skin that's very easy to peel. And there are no seeds to spit out.
Angel 1: You've improved a lot since you invented periods. What could be better for a toddler than a sweet, monochromatic fruit?
Angel 2: Well, I thought they still needed some other features, so I added a few.
Angel 1: Um.
Angel 2: See, we want to hone a toddler's eye for detail, and bananas give ample opportunities for that.
Angel 1: Don't we want them to have fewer opportunities for them to get tripped up by details? I would think hungry toddlers don't need anything to stand between them and filling their tummies.
Angel 2: But the brown spots are so aesthetically pleasing.
Angel 1: Are those brown spots made of chocolate?
Angel 2: Some parents might say they are in moments of desperation.
Angel 1: Come on, Lucifer, you're encouraging people to lie to their children?
Angel 2: Not all of them have brown spots.
Angel 1: Oh good.
Angel 2: But they all have black tips.
Angel 1: Seriously?
Angel 2: There are also strings.
Angel 1: Do they come off easily?
Angel 2: Of course! They're just there to enhance the experience. Can you imagine a toddler sitting there watching his parent gently pulling those strings off, grinning in anticipation at what is about to come?
Angel 1: It seems like a recipe for disaster. But it could be worse. You said it was easy to peel, right?
Angel 2: Generally yes. And best of all, when the peel is being pulled off, I've figured out a way to make the banana break. Kids are short, so I figured they'd like it when their food got shorter too.
Angel 1: It doesn't sound like you really want them to eat these bananas after all.
Angel 2: They're low calorie. Their parents can eat them too.
Angel 1: How do adults like them?
Angel 2: So far, test subjects have had mixed results. Most didn't describe eating it as a particularly pleasurable experience. Some described it as eating a soft brick. Others received bananas that reminded them of slimy mashed potatoes.
Angel 1: But at least you said they were sweet. That ought to count for something.
Angel 2: Sweet enough, sure, if they're ripe. Sweet but not tasty. I've engineered it so that the tasty varieties will go practically extinct right about the time fruit snacks are invented.
Angel 1: So do you want people to like bananas or not? Are we sure we want to put this into production?
*VOICE FROM INTERCOM* Creation begins in 10 seconds. Please save and close all your drafts now.
Angel 2: Welp, I guess it's as good as it's going to get.
And that is the story of why lunch time was sad today.
Thanks to Leslie Moon, Ally Dunn, Daniel Larsen, and Kathryn Blair for their contributions to this post. And thanks to Bunmi Laditan for the idea of angels discussing ways to afflict and torment man.
Comments
Post a Comment