Last year, I wrote a series of posts during Holy Week, and since it's Holy Week again I thought I would share a few more ideas that have been floating around in my head.
In a book of essays by E. B. White, one of them is titled, "What do our hearts treasure?" I think about this question a lot right now as I try to make the most of my limited time and energy. Living in a new house, I treasure doing what I can to keep it looking new -- dusting and vacuuming, dust-mopping, cleaning off the cooktop, things like that. I treasure my kids' education, whether at home or at school. I try to treasure my music ambitions even though I tend to nap more than compose these days. I have to remind myself that my heart does treasure that, even if it has to be pushed to the side far too often.
What's interesting sometimes about discovering what you treasure is that it's revealed when life makes it difficult to obtain. I realized how much I cared about music last year when Kevin was gone a lot and I had hardly any energy to think about it. Nowadays, it still takes work to keep the momentum going, but I know that I want to pursue it, and I have put money into pursuing it, and that makes a big difference.
When it comes to treasuring relationships, a lot of the same concepts apply. You don't always know what you treasure until you realize how hard it is to obtain or maintain. This is why I used to meet up with high school friends almost every time I flew to Utah and have only seen them once since moving here because hey, we're always here, and so are they. In contrast, when we were in Michigan, relationships mattered more than almost anything to me. Our time together was short, and we had to make the most of them. As we approached the end of our time there we were going to parties and dinners constantly. Amidst all of this, I was physically ill thinking about what would happen when we moved -- it would all be over. And most everyone would move on. I would move on. And I couldn't bear it.
But time passed, and now it's okay that most of those friendships aren't as constant as they used to be. It would be exhausting, honestly.
What is it then that makes relationships last? Desire is a big part of it, but I think there has to be some other element that makes it last even when desire has lost its momentum. And I think that was part of what Russell M. Nelson was getting at in his conference address. He told a story about a man who wanted to be sealed to his wife but didn't want to do any of the work to obtain a temple recommend. In my opinion, it's not that there's no chance for him in the next life. There are lots of reasons someone won't have a testimony of the gospel in this life, and it's not our job to judge.
But his story brought up a question for me. If you don't love someone enough to "catch a grenade" for them or "jump in front of a train" for them (to quote Bruno Mars), then do you really think you'll care that much to be with them forever? If you aren't even willing to consider the inconveniences of tithing or church service in exchange for the chance to be with someone forever, will it just feel like an inconvenience to be in a relationship with them long term? Given my experiences with friends from high school, BYU, Michigan, and Yale, I think the answer might possibly be yes.
As this quote I found in a comment thread suggests,
“Mormonism isn’t unique for the believing it’s possible to be with your family forever. Mormonism is unique in thinking it’s possible NOT to, and that something else has to be added to the equation in order for that family to stay intact. Think about how your childhood friendships slowly faded – these relationships that meant more to you than anything in the world – slowly receded in importance and then your high school relationships slowly became irrelevant to you as you moved on to college. It wasn’t that those relationships disappeared; it was that your worldview shifted so dramatically that you just stopped caring about them. You moved beyond them.
"One of the terrifying claims that Mormonism implicitly makes about the universe is that there is an eternal world that is so vast you can find yourself on the other side and your relationships could be meaningless–your relationships can just not matter to you anymore because of the vastness of that chasm, as a vast as the difference between childhood and adulthood. You can make these relationships here in this world that in the next world may not feel meaningful or relevant at all in the eternities. Mormonism provides a solution to that that says look, we can make kinship a different way. We can use sacramental and priesthood authority in a different way. Prophets can collaborate with representatives of the gods and develop a way of making kinship relations that have the ability to retain something in the transition to the eternal world. Or some kernel of your relationship will remain vital enough that you can build on it in the eternities, and the relationships that you make here can continue to matter there.”
“I am far from certain that Mormonism is framing the question correctly or providing a reliable solution, but if eternity exists, I think there’s a good chance that that framework is correct. That the things that matter so much to us here in a world where we are bound to our loved ones by death–we love the people that we love so much because we are constantly aware that they are going to die–is it possible to love someone the way you do in this world if you’re not afraid of death, in a world where even in our origin story: Adam and Eve are indifferent to each other when they’re stuck in this eternal paradise. They don’t care about each other, they don’t interact with each other. It’s not until death gets introduced that they cling to each other. So Mormonism is saying: we value relationships in the eternities, but we can’t actually make and sustain relationships there because there is no death. So death is a part of this Plan of Happiness. You have to go somewhere where you can die, so that in this “death world” you can make relationships that are meaningful. Real love can emerge, and if you do it the right way, a kernel of that love can be brought with you into the eternal world and you can have meaningful relationships in a world where nobody dies.
"If this framework is correct–and again, I’m not sure but I think it is–then there’s a chance that Mormonism DOES make kinship differently. In some sense, anthropologically, Mormonism IS kinship. Mormonism is best understood as a kinship system. And that we do make kinship not just with our families but with each other in a qualitatively different way than other kinship formations. And so, by remaining in the church, we are essentially accepting the terms of the bet. I don’t know that I’m right. But I sincerely believe that there’s a good chance that I am.
"Mormonism is that claim–that we can make something here that will last into the eternities. And I genuinely believe that claim to be highly plausible.” –Brad Kramer, Mormon Stories
I've said before that it is because of Jesus Christ that we can be with our families forever, and it is because of Jesus Christ that we will want to be with our families forever. It is our devotion to Him that will teach us how to be devoted to each other. It is His love for us that will spill into our own hearts and help us treasure what should matter most in this life and the next -- each other.
In a book of essays by E. B. White, one of them is titled, "What do our hearts treasure?" I think about this question a lot right now as I try to make the most of my limited time and energy. Living in a new house, I treasure doing what I can to keep it looking new -- dusting and vacuuming, dust-mopping, cleaning off the cooktop, things like that. I treasure my kids' education, whether at home or at school. I try to treasure my music ambitions even though I tend to nap more than compose these days. I have to remind myself that my heart does treasure that, even if it has to be pushed to the side far too often.
What's interesting sometimes about discovering what you treasure is that it's revealed when life makes it difficult to obtain. I realized how much I cared about music last year when Kevin was gone a lot and I had hardly any energy to think about it. Nowadays, it still takes work to keep the momentum going, but I know that I want to pursue it, and I have put money into pursuing it, and that makes a big difference.
When it comes to treasuring relationships, a lot of the same concepts apply. You don't always know what you treasure until you realize how hard it is to obtain or maintain. This is why I used to meet up with high school friends almost every time I flew to Utah and have only seen them once since moving here because hey, we're always here, and so are they. In contrast, when we were in Michigan, relationships mattered more than almost anything to me. Our time together was short, and we had to make the most of them. As we approached the end of our time there we were going to parties and dinners constantly. Amidst all of this, I was physically ill thinking about what would happen when we moved -- it would all be over. And most everyone would move on. I would move on. And I couldn't bear it.
But time passed, and now it's okay that most of those friendships aren't as constant as they used to be. It would be exhausting, honestly.
What is it then that makes relationships last? Desire is a big part of it, but I think there has to be some other element that makes it last even when desire has lost its momentum. And I think that was part of what Russell M. Nelson was getting at in his conference address. He told a story about a man who wanted to be sealed to his wife but didn't want to do any of the work to obtain a temple recommend. In my opinion, it's not that there's no chance for him in the next life. There are lots of reasons someone won't have a testimony of the gospel in this life, and it's not our job to judge.
But his story brought up a question for me. If you don't love someone enough to "catch a grenade" for them or "jump in front of a train" for them (to quote Bruno Mars), then do you really think you'll care that much to be with them forever? If you aren't even willing to consider the inconveniences of tithing or church service in exchange for the chance to be with someone forever, will it just feel like an inconvenience to be in a relationship with them long term? Given my experiences with friends from high school, BYU, Michigan, and Yale, I think the answer might possibly be yes.
As this quote I found in a comment thread suggests,
“Mormonism isn’t unique for the believing it’s possible to be with your family forever. Mormonism is unique in thinking it’s possible NOT to, and that something else has to be added to the equation in order for that family to stay intact. Think about how your childhood friendships slowly faded – these relationships that meant more to you than anything in the world – slowly receded in importance and then your high school relationships slowly became irrelevant to you as you moved on to college. It wasn’t that those relationships disappeared; it was that your worldview shifted so dramatically that you just stopped caring about them. You moved beyond them.
"One of the terrifying claims that Mormonism implicitly makes about the universe is that there is an eternal world that is so vast you can find yourself on the other side and your relationships could be meaningless–your relationships can just not matter to you anymore because of the vastness of that chasm, as a vast as the difference between childhood and adulthood. You can make these relationships here in this world that in the next world may not feel meaningful or relevant at all in the eternities. Mormonism provides a solution to that that says look, we can make kinship a different way. We can use sacramental and priesthood authority in a different way. Prophets can collaborate with representatives of the gods and develop a way of making kinship relations that have the ability to retain something in the transition to the eternal world. Or some kernel of your relationship will remain vital enough that you can build on it in the eternities, and the relationships that you make here can continue to matter there.”
“I am far from certain that Mormonism is framing the question correctly or providing a reliable solution, but if eternity exists, I think there’s a good chance that that framework is correct. That the things that matter so much to us here in a world where we are bound to our loved ones by death–we love the people that we love so much because we are constantly aware that they are going to die–is it possible to love someone the way you do in this world if you’re not afraid of death, in a world where even in our origin story: Adam and Eve are indifferent to each other when they’re stuck in this eternal paradise. They don’t care about each other, they don’t interact with each other. It’s not until death gets introduced that they cling to each other. So Mormonism is saying: we value relationships in the eternities, but we can’t actually make and sustain relationships there because there is no death. So death is a part of this Plan of Happiness. You have to go somewhere where you can die, so that in this “death world” you can make relationships that are meaningful. Real love can emerge, and if you do it the right way, a kernel of that love can be brought with you into the eternal world and you can have meaningful relationships in a world where nobody dies.
"If this framework is correct–and again, I’m not sure but I think it is–then there’s a chance that Mormonism DOES make kinship differently. In some sense, anthropologically, Mormonism IS kinship. Mormonism is best understood as a kinship system. And that we do make kinship not just with our families but with each other in a qualitatively different way than other kinship formations. And so, by remaining in the church, we are essentially accepting the terms of the bet. I don’t know that I’m right. But I sincerely believe that there’s a good chance that I am.
"Mormonism is that claim–that we can make something here that will last into the eternities. And I genuinely believe that claim to be highly plausible.” –Brad Kramer, Mormon Stories
I've said before that it is because of Jesus Christ that we can be with our families forever, and it is because of Jesus Christ that we will want to be with our families forever. It is our devotion to Him that will teach us how to be devoted to each other. It is His love for us that will spill into our own hearts and help us treasure what should matter most in this life and the next -- each other.
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