Continuity of Personality

Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. -1 John 3:2

Last week, I spent my days scraping hard water off of surfaces, wiping handles and knobs in the kitchen, and other kinds of nitty-gritty, satisfying cleaning. This week's task was less fun -- going through boxes and organizing shelves. As it turns out, this task requires a lot more concentration, so I can't do it when the kids are awake. And I can't do it at night because that's when I have been writing! (So actually I haven't really done it. That's what next week is for.)

I did briefly try to tackle one box I had received from my parents. It had lots of old papers and journals in it. I was intrigued by one little notebook I didn't remember. It wasn't my regular journal but I did use it for a few weeks when I was visiting grandparents in Kansas. I laughed at an entry where I made a list of things I planned to teach my younger sister. She had to put up with so much from me!

incidentally, I also found a notebook where I practiced my handwriting.

The next page was a complaint about how people thought I was annoying. (Of course they did! I was trying to teach little kids about fractions!) My normally mellow, easygoing uncle was fed up with me and snapped at me. And I was so upset. In my journal I mentioned that I had told my grandma I felt like the worst kid in the world, and she responded there were about 4 billion kids worse than me, which was very nice of her.

Anyway, those two entries reminded me of a phrase my dad likes to say whenever we watched old family videos -- continuity of personality. He has just loved to see us as little kids sitting in the same poses and using the same inflection that we do now. It only takes a few minutes of watching to verify that we are the same people we were when we were kids. Reading that journal definitely proved it for me! I am happy these days about the same things and upset about the same things that I was as an adolescent. Sometimes my feelings get hurt for the same reasons they did when I was 10. I'm a bit more self-aware now than I was then (at least, I hope so!) and I have more practice dealing with hard things, but I am still the same person.

Sometimes, though, it can be hard to be the same person. It can be hard to be a person who is not perfect, who is making mistakes left and right that affect the people we love most. All of us long for healthy, safe relationships, and yet there is a part of us that seems intent on sabotaging them!

At the end of my freshman year, I was studying in the library for a physics final with some friends. I overheard an animated conversation going on at the next table over. Another girl was talking loudly to a few boys about somebody. "If you keep having bad relationships and bad breakups, maybe it's time to stop blaming other people. After all, you are the consistent person in each of those relationships!"

Every now and then I think about what she said. And, as hard as it is to admit, she's probably right. There have been many times when I have tried to build a friendship only to hit an awkward dead spot. What went wrong? The same thing that always goes wrong -- I brought expectations in that didn't align with their expectations. And that resulted in me feeling rejected, just like it did when I was an adolescent.

As I thought about how I fall into the same traps, and so does everyone else I know, the word "systemic" came to mind. Strangely, that word gave me a huge feeling of relief. If something is systemic, it means you can prepare for it. You can expect it. You don't have to get mad at another person for seeing the world the way they normally do and behaving accordingly. And you don't have to get mad at yourself for being, well, yourself.

"But what about the Atonement?" I thought. "Shouldn't the Atonement help even with systemic things?"

And then I had a realization. Yes, Christ's Atonement can heal or fix anything. But sometimes it can take years for the change to happen. In the meantime, though, Christ's grace is still always available. Perhaps the power of the Atonement is to help us live with and forgive the systemic rather than fight against it. Christ's power lies in His ability to heal our hearts enough that we can love each other in spite of what we systemically do to each other.

It's not that I don't believe the Atonement can change lives. It absolutely can! There are so many amazing stories of people who completely turned their lives around because of Christ, leaving behind addictions, sins, and immorality of all kinds. And good people become even better as they live close to the Spirit.

But there will still be systemic things programmed into our personalities. We can become closer and closer to the Savior as we keep our covenants and practice holy habits. But there will still be times that we mess up and fall back into all of our self-absorbed behaviors. And even if we aren't necessarily sinning, it's possible to be both Christlike and a little bit annoying.

And it's okay! We didn't come to earth to become perfect at everything self-help books teach. (Although, of course, everyone ought to read a few and listen to a few life coaches here and there.) We came to Earth to learn to have faith in Jesus Christ. We came to Earth to learn to be like Him.

And when He comes, we shall be like Him (1 John 3:2). Not because our personalities will be completely smoothed over and de-quirk-ified. Not because we will be perfect at everything He was perfect at.

We will be like Him because we shall see Him as He is. We will see Him for being the light of the world. We will see Him for being the love of the world. We will see that He truly, wholly loves us.

And, as John says, "Every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure."